The Early Teens: A Return to the Terrible Two's

The screaming, tantrums, feet stomping, refusal to do as asked and insistence to do as prohibited. It all seems so familiar. You swear you've been there before--because you have been there before with the smaller version of your tween or teen: The Toddler.

Yes, after about a decade of relative calm, the Terrible Two's have returned with a vengeance. Irrational, moody, constantly pushing the boundaries, outrageously joyful, horribly angry--those toddler years have come back in an adult-sized package.

The sooner you adjust to the concept that your young adult has reverted to toddlerhood, the faster you can take steps that will help you and your Terrible Teen to survive this new phase of development.

• Set Limits--Just as they did when they were two and trying to climb out of the cart in the middle of the grocery, the 13 year old is all about pushing your limits. They may look like adults. They may sometimes display common sense. But they are neither mature nor rational. They still need you to be their parents. By setting limits, you give them the security and rules that, like their former toddler selves, they secretly crave.
• Create Consequences--Unfortunately, you can't put your teen in a time out. With doors slamming, foul language flying and feet stomping, we would all love to pick these people up and put them in their rooms or on their time out chair, but we just can't move them around like as we did 75 pounds ago.
  Instead of "grounding," which with extracurricular activities can be so hard to enforce, revoking privileges is one easily implemented, yet very effective, consequence for broken rules, poor attitudes, lying and a host of other common adolescent misdemeanors. Teens today have more privileges available to withhold than our parents' generation could ever dream possible. Be sure, though, to set a reasonable limit to the consequence, which takes into account the severity of the problem, as well as the reality of the impact this consequence may have on your life as well as theirs.
  
  Cell phones: Be sure to get an unlimited texting plan for your child. It doesn't cost much extra, and, because oddly spelled, condensed sentences are how these creatures communicate most frequently, it will save you money down the line by possibly preventing the common infraction of GOING OVER MINUTE S . Natural consequence of using up the family plan minutes: hand over the phone. "See that odd thing sitting on the table? That's called a land line. It has unlimited calling. Use it until your minutes reset." Revoking cell phone and texting privileges are also useful for poor attitudes and back talking.
  
  Computer: The computer is an easy-to-revoke privilege that has a big impact on the lives of our adults-to-be. From Facebook, IM, and Skype to YouTube and that old fashioned tool called e-mail, the computer is central to the everyday life of a tween and preteen. But poor grades, late homework and other issues are all reasons to consider taking away or seriously limiting the computer (and cell phone) privilege. Laptops can be taken away, and desktops can have their power cords removed. However, just as effective and perhaps more productive than removing access to the computer is to disable their access to the wireless router, leaving your child with a computer that can only be used for homework (what horrors).
  
  Game Systems: Even the threat of losing this privilege may immediately improve your boys' behavior. Please note: this consequence does not work well for females.
  
  These are just a few examples of privileges that can be taken away. "Slam that door one more time--and it's gone!" Yes, parents have been known to remove the oft-slammed bedroom door.
  
  
• Follow through with the Consequence--Never threaten anything that you are not prepared to follow through enforcing. "You are grounded for a month!" "You are banned from that computer for the rest of the semester!" Can you really do that? Probably not. Make sure whatever punishment comes out of your mouth in the heat of the moment is actually something you are prepared to do.
• Remain Calm, Cool & Collected--Remember, you are dealing with what Bill Cosby once referred to as "brain damaged people". I never realized what he meant until this summer. These people are not adults. They have more hormones rampaging through their systems than Arizona has sand. But logic? It's out the window when it doesn't serve their purpose. Your reason and logic will infuriate them--but your job as a parent is to guide your rebel and try to ensure he or she doesn't make serious mistakes during this metamorphosis into adulthood. If the discussion is getting out of hand, hit the pause button and give everyone time to simmer down and relax.
• Hug Them--Two weeks ago, during what I can only describe as a giant tantrum, I hugged my daughter. Suddenly her angry, obstinate tirade turned into a flood of tears. I used to do this when she and her brothers were toddlers and having meltdowns. The physical evidence that mom and dad are still there and still love them can really make all the difference.
• Change the Subject--Remember when you could stick a pacifier in their mouths or sit them in front of their favorite movie and all would be well? While distraction is no longer that simple, sometimes a bad, sulky mood, the start of an argument or a case of the "I want's" can be shut down just by changing the subject.